I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
