I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
