Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
