i just wanna soil my oats bro
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I supernannyed him into submission
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
