rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
