Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He shit in the fireplace
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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