Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
