Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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