I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
