I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
