Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
sarcasm needs its own font
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
