he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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