so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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