mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
