Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
