apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Randomize
