There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
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