I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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