My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
