ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
