I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize