If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
3pm strippers are depressing
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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