Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
