walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
