That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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