Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
