He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
