While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
