I faked an abortion last night.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I intend to get homeless drunk
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
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