PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
