in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
