I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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