I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
