I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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