I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize