tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
