hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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