actually, I'm a sock model
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
