THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
