my mouth tastes like poor choices
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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