did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
