i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
