seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
