I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
