i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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