Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
