he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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