he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
