I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
