After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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