I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
