i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
