if only i could text you this smell
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
