you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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