i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
