I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
