in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
