The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
