if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I have aggressive nipples.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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