So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
