I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
