Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
